What NOT to say

I was looking at some blogs today when I happened upon this one and I just had leave a comment.

I've been a nurse for years, and I'm used to the platitudes that people like to use. I've heard so many "well-meaning" people say the most horrid things to parents of critically ill children. But this has been the first time that I've been on the receiving end of some of the same sorts of comments.

One thing that seems apparent to me is that the person with the comment doesn't necessarily want to comfort you. Because it's all about them. People are typically (thankfully) unfamiliar with heart-wrenching, life-changing, perspective-altering trauma. Especially traumas that are untimely or unusual.

People get really stressed in their reactions to another's trauma. Sometimes they want to make it "all better". Sometimes they want revenge on the people who may have caused the situation. Sometimes they feel that they have the one sentence that will change a family's perspective. But who is that really serving?

In their efforts to try to "comfort" me, friends, relatives, and especially acquaintences have provided their deep philosophical insights. Some of them were helpful but a few have been very hurtful. I know that it is not the intent (of most of them LOL) to hurt me, but that's just it - sometimes it does hurt.

So if you are a friend, loved one, coworker, acquaintence, or message board co-conspirer, try to put yourself in the family member's shoes. They don't want you to "fix it". Because usually it can't be "fixed". Instead, approach it from their viewpoint. What does this person need from you? And are you preparing to minister to them or preach to them? Because there is a huge difference.

What TO say:

For me at least, the best responses are those that are honest. Not blunt, but honest. I have a coworker who was struggling to tell me something positive that would "make it better", and finally he shook his head and said "I really want to tell you something that will help you feel better, but I just don't know what to say." To me, that was one of the most comforting and realistic responses I've gotten. Saying something like "I'm so sorry" or "You are in my thoughts" or "You are in my prayers" is simple, but it works. And sometimes, the simplest statements are the best. Just tell me that you care.

I don't need anyone to tell me that Dad will be up and playing with the grandkids soon. I don't need to hear all about God's will from people who believe that they have all the answers. And I certainly don't want to hear about your aunt Millie who was in a similar situation, when it really isn't similar at all. Especially when you go on and on about their problems to the extent that I tune it out.

This is about my struggle, not yours.