Feeling Good, Nina Simone

There's been a lot of badness in the past few years. I'm choosing today to start over. I'm letting the pains and arguments of the past slip away, and I'm choosing to embrace a new positive lifestyle.

Amazing sheep LED art

Fun with sheep!

Thankfulness

Wow - it's been over a month since I've posted!

Anyway, I've been up all night (as usual). I was off on call, but got some good sleep during the day, so I was pretty much up anyway.

Andrew (my oldest) came upstairs about 5:30 to get ready for school. He was in the kitchen and said:

Andrew: "Thanks, Mom."
Me: "No problem, what for?"
Andrew: "Life."
Me (puzzled): "For giving birth to you?"
Then I turned around and saw what he was holding. A box of Life cereal (his favorite).
Andrew: "No, for the cereal, but thanks for that, too."

:)

2009

Today is New Year's Eve, and I have to work tonight. That's not a bad thing - I usually volunteer to work the New Years holidays so I can hopefully get off more days for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas. The only problem is that I can't sleep right now!

Looking forwards, I'm expecting 2009 to be a pretty good year with some important milestones. The most important one is that Andrew will turn 16. Wow! I told the kids a few years ago that I would take them on a special trip when they are 16 and encouraged them to learn a language that would come in handy. Unfortunately, Andrew has taken Japanese and he wants to go to Japan. I guess I'm going to do some quick learning if we're going to go this summer! I'll put him in charge of the sites he'd like to see. I know almost nothing about Asian tourism - I always assumed they'd take French or German. Chloe has already committed to French, and Chris doesn't want to learn a language (I'm still working on him). I've never been overseas and I've always regretted not getting to go. I want to make sure that my kids get the opportunity :)

Chris will turn 12 and Chloe will turn 11. Chloe will also leave elementary school, so that's another milestone. This year is also my 20th high school reunion. Not sure if I'm going to go or not - the 10 year wasn't that great, but my 20 year band reunion was wonderful.

For some reason, I'm really ready for 2008 to end. I don't know why. It hasn't been a bad year particularly. 2007 was a horrible year (with Dad's wreck and losing my Papa). Maybe it's the idea of so many opportunities that seem to be available in a new year, even though it's just another new day, just like the rest.

This is the time of year, and the economy, in which I should be talking about how many things I am grateful for. And there are many things.

I am grateful to have a stable job, with little chance of being laid off. I am grateful that my immediate family is healthy, and that I was able to complete this last semester after all.

I wish I could just stick to these things and be a happy person. Maybe I'm greedy, but I want more.

I have been in school for SO many years trying to work towards my doctorate. I had to quit in 2004 so we could move to Missouri for Tom's law school. I eventually restarted up here, and had to re-establish residency while working full time at night. I had hoped that eventually I could cut back my hours or stop working nights. For a short time, I was able to move to a day position that required travel. Then Tom took a travel job and the kids suffered. So I had to go back to weekend nights.

I enjoy my job. I enjoy my coworkers. I am in a good place. But it is so hard working nights because it throws the rest of my life into disarray. I last worked Saturday night, and I still couldn't sleep until 4am last night. I have basically no life outside of work.

I also aspire to a job that may require a pay cut. I really want to start teaching again soon, so I can get some more recent experience and build my resume. But there is no way that I can start work at 6-7am when I am working nights on the weekends. I might be able to make a case for an afternoon clinical shift (those were popular when I was in undergrad), but I'm not sure how that would work out here.

If I were to leave my job and teach elsewhere, I would lose my 75% tuition benefit and my scholarship from my unit. Plus, I would be earning less. So with a husband who is starting his own practice, that is an impossible scenario.

I feel greedy saying this, but I thought that, financially, we would be better off after Tom graduated. I have been the higher wage earner for over 10 years now, and I have been the sole breadwinner for almost 5 years (except for about 8 months when Tom took his travel job).

I never wanted to stay at home full time, but I have wanted to reduce my hours before. Each time I tried, it would be a hardship for us and I would feel pressured to return to a job that paid more. I am 37 years old, working in a labor intensive field. I hurt my arm a couple of weeks ago, and it has been slow to heal. I wish that I had the luxury to slow down.

Each time that some disaster happens, I have to put the pieces back together. I had to support my mom while my grandfather died, and now I have to be supportive while my father is in a non-communicative state. I almost quit school last semester because I couldn't handle all of the burdens. Thankfully I had a professor who is very understanding and she is probably the only reason why I am still in school.

I wish that I could have someone else who could be supportive. Tom has never been truly supportive of my efforts, and the few times he has said something to me that seems supportive, he always has to say something about himself. It is always about him. He wasn't like this before law school, and I wish I could get my old husband back.

There were a lot of things I didn't like about Texas, but right now it seems like this is the place where we worked the best. I know that I have changed, too, and I don't like who I've become. I find it impossible to relax - to do something just for fun. I feel pressured to make sure that the kids are doing well in school and that the house is clean. I feel alone in these endeavors.

If I could have seen all this happening back in 1992, I never would have gotten back with Tom. I hate being 5th place in this family, and I hate feeling like there is no one who truly cares about what I am going through. I have to be the one who supports everyone else, and it has gotten old.

If I could do what I wanted, I would leave and find a small place of my own where I could do whatever I wanted. I have the money to travel and I could take the time, but I don't have anyone to watch the children. I wish that I could do something that I like - something small. I gave up music a long time ago. Part of me really hates that, but it has been too hard to resume. For such a long time in my life, music was the one thing that helped me to be happy.

Favorite Scrubs moments (season 5)

Musings

The semester is over!!! OK I have a couple minor things to post to Blackboard, but that will take no time at all. The big major paper is done. What a relief!

I didn't get any sleep today, which stinks because I have to work tonight, but at least I'm not in patient care - I have an all night ACLS training. That is so wonderful because I am totally non-functional at 8am nowadays :)

I work for a university, so I just got a reminder email that I haven't opted in to their emergency notification system (for letting us know if there's a shooter on campus or something - what a terrible thought!). I now have a personal email, so I signed up. Then it took me to a big screen, where I could change all sorts of things. My address, other contact info, etc. They had Tom listed as an "other" so I changed him to a spouse. Then I saw the next category. Ethnicity. There was a button that asked if I wanted to change ethnic groups. I am listed as white. It wouldn't let me delete my whiteness, but it did allow me to add another one. Nothing seemed to fit. I've traced my ancestry back to the 1600s and there's a possibility of one American Indian in the 1600s, but I think that's way too far back to count. But it would let me put white again. I left it the way it was, just plain old white ;)