Changes on the horizon

With all that's happened the past year, I'm really starting to question my priorities and goals in life. What am I doing? Where am I going? What Should I be doing with my life?

I've prayed about my decisions. My current situation leaves me little time or energy for my family, both my immediate and extended family. I have neglected my friends. I have very little relationship with my husband anymore. Something has to give.

I am applying for another nursing position. I like my job but I am frustrated with the time commitment. I always thought I would love an 8-5 Monday through Friday job, but I guess my life only works on weekend nights. If I stay in school, I can keep in touch with my job through an RA position. If I don't, maybe I can still stay parttime.

I am seriously thinking of leaving school. I have never struggled with school, but ever since last summer it's been nothing but a struggle. It takes so much time and effort to get things done, and my kids need me more than ever. I used to be one of the top students, and now I'm struggling to do anything. What's more, I had very little exposure to the faculty before my life fell apart last summer. So all they know is this disorganized mess of a girl who just can't do anything right. I sent out an email in February saying that I was struggling and might drop a class or two, but that would endanger my residency.

The sad thing is, I would have been almost through with classes by last summer if we had stayed in Texas. Who knows, something else might have happened, but I am just wondering if God wants me to move in a different direction. I feel like I am wading through jello when I used to be jogging on the beach.

I've heard that brick walls are put in place to make us see how badly we want something. So what does it mean when we have multiple brick walls? In the last year I have lost a lot:
- the last person who loved me unconditionally (my Papa)
- the relationship with my father who is still alive, but not able to communicate. He didn't want me to do the doctorate.
- the relationship with my mother who is the full caretaker of my father.
I feel like I have lost my entire family. My parents were not the type that I could really go to with my problems, but I feel that possibility is gone forever now.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this. My husband and I have grown apart. We don't see each other anymore and we talk even less. I can't remember the last time we had time to talk about anything without kids bursting in. We still love each other and care about each other, but he's struggling with a difficult job as well. Something needs to give.

My friend from church who died left behind two small children. I know that she would do anything to be with them just one more day. So why the hell am I sacrificing my family for a career? Especially since I am so dissatisfied and discouraged with school?

So at least the job, and probably the PhD program, are about to change. I love school, I love my topic, and I love my classmates. But something needs to give.